LIFE UPDATE

    Spent my time in a weekend day sitting alone in a coffee shop journaling, scrolling my phone, or just staring out the people comes by. Today, saturday 20th september 2025 the 3rd week of month, I spent my money on an expensive tea and overpriced Lumpia. Only have 200 rupiah left on my bank account, but zero hesitation to buy these overpriced meal just for searching on new vibes and sitting in different places as home. 

    Felling over stressed these days. Too much noises on my thoughts to be talked about. Me and myself fighting on my own capabilities to work on in a new field. I feel like restarting again in my job. The transition form Teller to customer service hits me different. It is too complicated than before. At first I thought it wasn't that hard until I jump right through it. Did I choose it wrong? or it just too early to hesitating my own decision? Oh god I really don't know...

    I've been working as a teller for about one year, then I guess it wasn't that big deal to jump in a new experience. I was like "oh right lets try a new game"  but it turns out I'm getting played by that game. I can't even control my own game. It has been two weeks being as a customer service. I would say I did it good throughout the weeks, everything were fine, but the feeling of pressure and guilty haunts me. The things that make it different are the responsibility. Where I have targets to be filled up throughout the months or well known as Key Performance Indicator (KPI). 

    Being compared to the people who already mastered and skilled enough in their level makes me feel like shit. It feels like all of efforts that I did hasn't enough to the result and target they need. They don't even care about your efforts, no one. They just care about the RESULT. I just feel like I don't belong here. 

Then how about your dream that you have been talked about ? 

    Being honest to myself, in the deep of my heart I'm still dreaming about it. Master degree still be the top of my bucket list to do. The journey that I started this march was stopped in June. I was fighting on my IELTS score back then, when I still stuck in band 5.0 in all of skills. The euphoria just slowly disappear. The confidence that I truly believe in myself now gone. I don't know what is exactly what I want in the future. a teacher? a professor? an accountant? a banker? or a researcher? those questions slips around my head. I just scared to take the risk. Scared to the future that even under my control. 

I know I don't give up but I just not sure what I want right now.

Should I survive in this field that I feel like I don't belong there or should I take the risk to reach my dream?  

I think I should find the answer as fast as I could..because honestly working on something that you don't want is called 'stressed' but working on something that you like is called 'passion' 

Just being honest to yourself Cia. It's okay though. You'll be fine on your own. You did great Cia.