Que Sera Sera

Starting my year in 2025 has been the most memorable things that I felt in my life. 

    January seems kind, February went well, March butterfly, April felt love, May Sucks, June Depressed, July recovery, August healed, September still tried, October new chapter, November blessed, December still counting. 

   What I've been through in 2025 could be the worst but you've done it well Cia. Never expected my life would be this roller coaster. This journey would be one of my favorite chapter in my life. Now I know growing up isn't just about physical appearance, but more complex than that. Mentally challenging to be passed, problem solving that has to be solved, choices that has to be made. You and yourself play the role to be a psychiater on your own way. I should've known earlier that being a grown 'woman' could be this complicated. Nothing change, because you have to make the change. 

    Starting journalling could be the best decision in my life. When your head full of noises that you could've been said just say that on paper. When you feel stress write it, when you falling in love write it, when you feel anxious say that on paper. You can be honest and trust on your own thoughts here. No one can judge. Looking backwards on my journal I could see myself fighting on my problems there. It's funny how I was struggle in my story before but now I even master on it.  

    Throw back when I was struggling to find myself in this year. In this mid year was the hardest months to passed by. Heart broken and also made a new decision in the same time. I started to write all of my thoughts on that day and also found a new hope to fight against my dream 'master degree abroad' That motivation came by and I decided to fight for it, but in the middle of the track I gave up 'again' 

"again" because I already have tried it before but nothing change except I failed to fight for it.

    Master degree still be the top one list of my dream. The sticky notes that writes "let's go to master degree abroad cia" is still there and even the board weekly planner still hang up on my study desk. It always been there. I remember I committed to my self next year in 2026 I will try to reach my dream. Nothing much to expect but in the deep of my heart always be I want to try, let's see how it goes if you do something rather than thinking about without any actions. Because I always believe in this line 

"if you try, you will get two possibilities either you failed or passed but if you are not even trying or take any actions there always be one result that is failed"  

    In this year I also found out that you can't put expectation on someone that much. I got a lesson by that. When you relying on someone that much you can loose yourself. You don't trust yourself as much you trust them. Be honest to yourself if you got any signs. I remember when I was falling over a toxic relationship when at that time I didn't count it as "toxic" but it really does.. I was trusting that person as much I trust myself. I thought that was love but I was misunderstood. He hurt me even more than I expected in my life. Never felt so hurt until I admitted that is really hurt. Now I know, don't fall over a guy that much. You might be feel the butterfly come in to you but remember the butterfly also have wings to fly. 

    Another lesson that I got this year is, don't scared to make a new step in your life. Take the risk and you will know it later. No one can predict the future even you and yourself. Do not overthink too much about something that haven't happened yet. Trust me you'll be okay. The overthink that stuck in your head not gonna be happened 100% as you expected. 

Time will past,  it is what it is, que sera sera whatever will be, will be.