God, Why ?

Does it really have the answer?

Have you ever thought about the prayers that you've been asking for haven't been answered yet?

Like God why?

Was it really hard to be real?

Am I not deserving of it ?

Those questions always slip around my head. When I set goals that I really want to achieve, they are often far from my expectations. It took a very long time to realize that God has created THE BEST plan for me.

I had been dreaming about going to in top university when I was in high school, dreaming about going into public administration major. I was confident about my capabilities. I got certificates, top-ranked in my class, and organization experiences, but it turned out I failed two times to go in. The failure brought me to be an English Education undergraduate. Such a plot twist that I've never expected in my life.

But then, what happened?

I'm falling in love with English. Feeling blessed to get a new perspective in learning English and can barely use it as my second language. English open my world to achieve bigger dream in the future. I got a new 'dream' even bigger than before. A bigger dream creates big efforts, even if I failed I'll go back to keep trying. I don't take the failure as a 'FAILURE', but I'll take it as a 'LESSON'. Without realizing it, God has made many ways to chase my dream. Every turn that I'll make has its own challenges, until I arrive at the same finish line.

Growing up in my age, being 20's feels like a roller coaster. Up and down, turn left, turn right, it doesn't have straight way to go. Too many things to be set up. Career, achievement, goals, relationship.

Never imagined myself crying over a 'boy' in the middle of the night begging for an answer to be treated just like shit, NEVER. Never imagined heartbroken could be this hurt. Never thought that working life could be this complicated.  Those never words keep coming out in my 20s life without permission. Then I realize this is called a process. Those are the processes that we talk about.

But...one thing that I'm sure about.

God always guides me to a better place. He always put me in a safe place, even though the way to get to that place was hurting. To be safe, you have to sacrifice your feelings because you deserve to be saved.

Why is my prayer when it comes to relationships is being answered that fast?  I don't know lol.

This is just that simple. "God, please make him closer to me if he is the best for me, but if not then just let him go far away." Then it just boom, disappeared. God always has his own way to show up my answer. It always goes NO, that guy is not good enough for me. Surprisingly, it happened again just two days ago. I wasn't surprised because I knew it from the beginning. I just need the validation, hehe.

So... the conclusion is just keep on trying and trust God's plan. He always has the better set up for us, you don't have to feel worry about something that you haven't passed by. 

"The happiness in your life depends upon the equality of your thoughts"  

By Marcus Aurelius